Are You Overly Critical of Yourself?

Sara Lizard Breath… Sara Lizard Breath… in my memory my aunt tickles and teases me calling me Sara Lizard Breath over and over again.  This is the nickname that she gave me when I was 7 years old after I jumped into her lap with my morning breath.  It’s a clever play on my middle name, Elizabeth.  My Auntie Jody was my favorite person in the whole wide world so everything she said or did was absolute truth and joy to me.  I giggled along with her, but a little seed of embarrassment and shame was planted in my mind that day.

As I grew up, I became more and more obsessive about brushing my teeth first thing in the morning so nobody else would have to experience my morning breath.  Before I interacted with anyone or ate or drank anything, I had to get rid of the unpleasant evidence of my gross lizard breath.  

My attachment and commitment to this habit was also an opportunity for me to excel at having perfect dental hygiene to impress my dental hygienist mother.  Mr. Zero Cavities Club for me, yep I got this prized sticker from the dentist every time.  At 41 years old, I’ve never had a cavity.  Impressing my mother with this feat of amazing oral care did not happen though…. She always gave the credit to my father’s genetics “you got your father’s teeth”, never my own dedicated effort.  

I neither achieved her praise nor my own actually.  Sure, I always rolled my eyes when she gave the credit to my father’s teeth knowing full well I was meticulous about keeping my teeth and mouth clean, but my motivation was coming from a place of shame.  I hadn’t reached the place that I strived to be… clean enough to no longer have morning breath and also praised and appreciated for my compulsive efforts.  I had convinced myself that I was gross and that my morning breath was a personal failure.  

I recently became aware of how attached I was to this habit and the motivating thought behind it… the idea that I was actually gross.  The seed of this thought had been watered by many sources (social conditioning, media, relationships, etc.) and, at the deepest level, it had grown into a big weed.  A weed that thrived on the idea that there was something “wrong” with me.

Months ago, I was watching the movie “Friends with Money”, not a great film, but there was a scene that really struck me.  One of the couples was arguing and the wife tells her husband that he has bad breath in an attempt to hurt his feelings.  She asks him if the statement hurts his feelings and he tells her that it doesn’t hurt his feelings because bad breath was something that just happened sometimes and that was just how it is.  

Mic drop…. The female character used bad breath as ammo to hurt his feelings because she thinks that the idea of bad breath is something to be ashamed of.  She illustrated her awareness (an awareness that I and so many others, especially females, share) that it’s not acceptable for her to have bad breath.  Meanwhile, her husband is utterly practical and comfortably entitled in his humanness.  Mind blown.

I was talking with a friend about my morning routine and how I didn’t drink warm lemon water or tea in the morning because I had to brush my teeth first thing when I woke up.  So then I had to wait 30 minutes after brushing to drink tea or lemon water so I didn’t damage my tooth enamel.  The process of explaining my compulsive habit to her prompted me to start questioning why I was so attached to it.  

This questioning and the scene from the movie were catalysts for reflecting and shifting my attachment to a negative thought that I had about myself.  What would happen if I stopped obsessing about my morning breath?  What would happen if I stopped being so ashamed of my humanness?

I decided to give myself permission to not brush my teeth first thing in the morning.  I chose to enjoy a cup of hot tea or lemon water and eat breakfast before I brush my teeth.  I allowed myself to look at my past and dig into why I was so concerned about having gross breath.  I forgave myself for judging myself so cruelly and being so unaccepting of the fact that I’m human.  This shift has helped me feel lighter.  I feel more free.  I feel more compassionate, gentle, and loving towards myself.  It’s truly a relief to fully accept something about myself that I had judged so harshly for most of my life.  

We all have these weeds in the gardens of our minds.  Some of them are old growth, part of the landscape that we don’t even notice anymore.  What if we started the process of weeding by asking ourselves some questions…. Where am I being overly critical of myself?  Why?  Where is this criticism coming from (who’s voice is it… a parent, a mentor, society?)?    Am I holding myself to standard that doesn’t fully accept my humanness?  What could happen if I chose not to believe this thought?  

Well wishes,

Sara