Do You Keep Yourself Small?

I have a memory of going out to dinner with my with cousins to a Chinese restaurant.  We had been given the gift of cash from our grandmother to go out and share a meal together as young adults.  As the oldest cousin, I felt a sense of responsibility to model what I learned to be true about the world.  I wanted to be a good example, showing how responsible I was on this adult outing.      

When it came time to order our meal, one of my cousins ordered the most expensive item on the menu with an air of great accomplishment.  I was shocked and irritated realizing I was planning to get the steamed vegetables in order to do my part to be able to bring home change to my grandmother (wasn’t it my responsibility to model the “right” thing to do?).  In my mind I was being considerate and I was righteously committed to keeping my demands as small as possible.  Meanwhile, here was my cousin taking full advantage of and enjoying my grandmother’s gift… gasp!  

Jumping further back in time, I remember a high school choir audition where we were being auditioned in groups of 3.  The two others in my group were singing the loudest they’d ever sung and I was surprised at their volume and enthusiasm so I actually pulled my own voice back a bit to keep myself from looking like I was trying too hard (also known as keeping myself small).  I honestly thought that they were over doing it and somehow the choir director would notice that I was actually the strongest singer in the section.  They were both selected and I was not.  They presented themselves in their highest ability and I shrank back and clung to my virtue of smallness.    

When I look back on the memory of dinner with cousins now, I can see it through a different lens.  I can see the perspective of my cousin’s joy in being treated to dinner by our loving grandmother whom trusted us to our own adult outing.  I can imagine the abundant opportunity to order the most expensive thing on the menu.  I can see now that I was the one completely missing the joy of my grandmother’s gift.  I was the one carrying the belief that it was responsible and even noble to keep myself and my needs small.  Instead of enjoying a generous opportunity to order what ever I wanted, I chose to deny myself the luxury.  Was it really responsible or noble to keep my needs as small as possible?        

The memory of my failed choir audition is one of regret.  It’s so easy to see now that it was quite silly and even a bit pretentious to think that I would succeed at an audition where I wasn’t offering my whole self, my best performance.  How could it possibly be noble to show up small and experience the failure of not trying my best?

My parents preferred the children-should-be-seen-and-not-heard parenting model, so as a small child, my silliness and loudness was constantly reprimanded.  I learned early on that to please my parents, I should make myself smaller and much more contained. From childhood to adulthood, I was keenly aware of how much space I was allowed to take up.      

In my first career I became a go-to gal, ready and willing to signup for any obligation sent my way… and as these things go, the more I took on the more came my way.  I reached a point of total burn out in my career as a result of my habit to keep my needs small and bury myself in obligations.  My mental and physical health were suffering so I chose to resign and focus on learning how to let my needs be as significant as they really were.  I didn’t notice the pattern of keeping myself small until I started my journey of self reflection while working with a Life Coach.    

There are so many scenarios to choose from as I look back on my life where I kept myself and my needs as small as possible.  My personal list of stories could equal a novel of comparable length to “War and Peace”.  The pattern and the lesson remains consistent in all of these experiences though…. Keeping myself small has only one result; I continue to feel small and deny myself opportunities to meet my needs and experience joy and abundance.  It also keeps me from sharing my gifts with the world. 

I’m now in the position of growing my own business and I’ve chosen to let myself share my gifts with the world.  I sometimes still find myself holding myself back and playing small due to fear.  Noticing these moments takes practice, but this awareness keeps me from continuing down the same path I’ve already been so many times.  It takes conscious effort to give myself permission to embrace ease, abundance, and playing as big and whole-heartedly as I can.  

Do you recognize this pattern in your own life?  Do you have a habit of keeping yourself small?                  


Well wishes,
Sara